Ok so now, I've researched some debt solutions on the web and I have a few options. There's debt management, where they slap my wrist and tell me I spend too much, and my new monthly payment is $200 extra, I guess as my punishment. There's debt settlement, where your credit is gently raped but after awhile it doesn't hurt quite so bad cuz your debts get settled for 40-50% of the original balance by lawyers. Then there's bankruptcy where you are anally raped without lube and the bleeding goes on for 7 years... but at least you have no debt. Can't get anymore debt either, cuz good luck getting approved for pretty much anything after that. Of course I could always throw my hands in the air and say oh well life's a bitch and just keep doing the same shit I've been doing, which amounts to nothing. But at least I'm still making my payments... so far.

My next problem: is the bf gonna get on board with this, or is he gonna whine and complain and hold me back? We're trying to share pretty much everything as though we were married, cuz we are engaged and hopefully would one day get married after all. So this, like anything else, is a problem we share. Unfortunately he has a serious debt problem of his own, which he needs to work on as well, so I was hoping we'd both get on one of these plans and get straightened out simultaneously. Now I wonder though if he can really go through with this and stick to it.

I've always been the one historically that has the tenacity and determination to see things through to the bitter end. He throws in the towel way too easily, as soon as it's annoying or inconvenient for him, or if he doesn't see a quick reward. Hence I have a college degree and he just has the dropout loans. We've discussed budgets and saving before, but every time the plans get thrown right out the window within days or at most a couple weeks. Things come up, like emergency bills, car repairs, large tax debts, you name it. And every time I'm a fool and I feel bad and I bail him out. It's got to stop right here, right now. No more of his nonsense is going to ruin me and my life. A very tough rule for me to follow... but I have faith that I can stick to it. Really I have to, there's no choice anymore, cuz the money just isn't there.

I think the worst thing is not the money, but his whole nature towards it. He just takes for granted that I will always take care of him and his needs no matter what. That's not fair to me, because what do I have to fall back on? Basically nothing. I don't know anyone that could afford to bail me out of a tight spot, nor would I ever ask them to. It's not their prob, it's mine cuz I'm the one that got myself into the situation in the first place, so it's my job to get myself out. I don't think he understands that point. I just don't know if I have the strength to leave him if that's what is necessary to get my life back in order. I hope that I would, but I also hope it doesn't have to come to that. It's hard because I keep telling myself that we're supposed to be in this together, helping each other get through the rough spots. But he's always doing the leaning and I'm always giving of myself. What if I lean on him, and he lets me fall?